Fuzzy Wuzzy was a Horse

     Fuzzy Wuzzy was not a bear - he was a horse.  Or at least, he should be.  What is it with people?  We simply cannot resist messing with hair, especially horse hair.

    A horse's hair comes in three categories: Permanent, temporary, and tactile.  Humans meddle with all three.

Permanent Hair:  Mane, Tail, Eyelashes, Feathers

    Let's start with the mane and tail, those glorious, functional fly-swatting assets.  Many breeds allow the mane to grow long and luxurious, exactly as nature intended.  I have always let my horses wear their manes however they please, flopped on one side, both sides, or in whatever eccentric arrangement the wind decides.  A respected horsewoman once told me, "I like a pony with a mane on both sides.  It indicates good balance."  I took that as gospel.

    Then come the disciplines that insist on short manes, tight braids, and that dreaded bridle path (the clipped patch behind the ears, often a folded ear length.)  Countless horses must endure a buzzing razor right next to their sensitive ears just so the hair stays "tidy.

And then there are the extremists.  Arabian and American Saddlebred showers sometimes shave off six to eight inches of main to show off the throat latch and neck.  I once asked a Saddlebred show person, "What?  You can't walk around to the other side?"  Logic, apparently is optional. 

    Some breeds require all hair to remain, including my beloved Exmoors.  Also Iberian horses, Icelandics, Peruvian Pasos, and Friesians discourage clipping the bridal path.  I follow the Exmoor standard for all my horses: no clipping, no buzzing, no nonsense.   

                                                         Exmoor Ponies with Hair

    The tail is no safer.  A tail's job is simple: swish flies.  I long, thick tail is a blessing.  My mare, Rain, has a scruffy tail, but I have never added extensions or stuffed her tail in a bag to force it to grow.  A bagged tail cannot fight flies, so the horse must stay stalled - a ridiculous trade-off.  And what horse wants a tail so long it drags on the ground like a Victorian train?  Some people, apparently.

    Draft horse folks sometimes go the opposite direction and dock the tail, claiming it prevents harness tangles.  I have driven carriages tor over 30 years and never once had a properly hitched harness catch a tail.  Thankfully, docking is falling out of fashion, and is even banned in some regions.

    Then we come to the eyelashes and feathers.  Eyelashes are usually left alone, unless someone gets overzealous with clippers, which I will get to later.  Feathers, those lush hairs around the fetlocks, are either treasured or despised.  Draft horses, Friesians, and moorland ponies wear them proudly.  Miniature Horse people often pretend their animals do not have feathers at all, and shave them off immediately.  My husband adored his Shire's feathers; he treated them like heirloom lace.  Horses, of course, do not care either way.

Temporary Hair: The Coat

    Now for the temporary hair: the coat.  Twice a year, horse owners drown in fuzz.  Fall shedding is manageable.  Spring shedding turns barns into snow globes.  Every post, tree, and fence becomes a scratching station.  Grooming becomes a marathon of airborne fluff.

    I adore winter coats.  My horses grow their own blankets, and living where I do, they do not need manufactured ones unless they are sick.  I understand why winter horse show people clip.  Sweat is a problem on a thick coat, and some climates are harsh requiring extra barn stall hours.  But most horses acclimatize beautifully if we let them.  And really, a soggy textile blanket on a rainy day is worse than no blanket at all.

Tactile Hair: Whiskers and Ear Hair

    Tactile hair is an important component of the horse's sensory system - like a cat's whiskers.  These coarse hairs help horses understand their environment, especially while grazing.  Yet some people shave them off because they think whiskers look "messy."

                                                            Whiskers
 

    The ear hair is equally important.  The inside of a horse's ear should be thick with protective fuzz to keep flies out.  But some owners shave that, too, leaving the horse defenseless.  Excessive face shaving sometimes goes so far that eyelashes get clipped.  Eyelashes!  At that point we have crossed from grooming into absurdity.

Let Fuzzy Wuzzy Be a Horse

    Nature gave horses hair for a reason.  Humans need to stop fussing with it.  Let Fuzzy Wuzzy be a horse - not a fashion project. 

     

 

     

Talking ears

     I missed a teaching moment.  One of my very young students mentioned that horses could not talk, and I quietly corrected her by explaining that horses use body language to communicate.  I stressed that learning horsepersonship was a form of learning a new language.  She was fascinated.  I was pleased with my response until I realized, much later, that I had neglected to mention an important component of equine communication.  That was the horse's ears.

    Horse's ears are remarkable.  They move. 

    The next lesson I corrected my omission, but it didn't have quite the same impact.  Too bad, because a horse's ears are a major part of their method of talking.

    Horse ears truly are extraordinary.  They swivel, flick and rotate; apparently, up to 180 degrees, using 10 - 16 muscles.  I am still not sure why the number varies, although AI insists it has something to do with how deep the muscle is located.  I know a few people who can wiggle their ears, and it is a charming party trick, but my own ears remain firmly fixed to the sides of my head.  Horses, meanwhile, carry theirs like little satellite dishes perched on top of their skulls, constantly scanning the world with enviable agility.

    They also hear better than humans, especially higher pitches.  Perhaps that was why old Skeeter loved opera.  You would think she would prefer sopranos, but she had a fondness for tenors.  Their voices soothed her, especially during fireworks season, when she needed all the comfort she could get.

     Like me, horses can lose some hearing as they age.  Sigh.  They probably don't lose as much as humans, but it is always sad when any creature is diminished in any way.

    I have noticed that most sale photographs of horses feature ears pricked sharply forward.  This appeals to humans.  It looks alert, eager, engaged.  In reality, forward ears simply mean the horse is paying strict attention to something in front of them.  Achieving that look often requires the photographer's assistant to perform ridiculous antics - waving objects, making odd noises, or otherwise bewildering the poor horse into focusing on chaos. 

                                             

                                                High alert

    The neutral position is far more common: ears relaxed, slightly floppy, soft.  It is a peaceful look, and it puts me at ease, too. 

                                               

                                                  Neutral Ears

    What fascinates me most, though, is when a horse multitasks with its hearing.  It is a prey-animal trait, but it is also a teaching advantage.  I tell my students that when a horse's ears are turned back toward them, the mount is listening to its rider.  But usually my schooling horses have one ear on the rider and the other aimed at me.  My authority tends to take precedence, but I am always impressed by how cleverly the horse anticipates instruction from more than one direction.  In the pasture, they do the same - ears twitching and swiveling, gathering information from multiple sources.  They pay attention to each other, too, so any situation of concern is quickly transferred through the herd.  

                                                  Multitasking

    Horse ears are certainly a form of sign language.

    When I mention that horses put their ears back when they are angry, some students get nervous.  I have to explain that listening ears are different from rage ears.  An angry horse pins its ears flat against its neck until they almost disappear.  I call it the "snake" look because the head seems to become an extension of the long neck.  I have rarely seen the position, and when I have, it is usually directed at another horse or a dog.  (Most horses are suspicious of dogs.)  The pinned ears are often accompanied by a squeal of displeasure.  Beware the horse with no visible ears. 

    Many horses are sensitive around their ears.  Our gentle Rain required us to take apart a bridle rather then squish her ears to put it on.  Someone in her past had been rough with her, and we respected her concern. 

    My husband's Dolly was the opposite.  She adored an ear massage.  She would sidle up to a human, drop her massive head, and present her ears like a queen offering her hand for a kiss.  She luxuriated in deep rubs, fingers inside her ears, pulling and kneading for her blissful abandon. 

    A horse's ears are important.  They have things to say.  And if we are willing to listen, really listen, we discover that horses have been talking all along.  Their language is not built from words, but from motion, intention, and quiet honesty.  The ears are simply the part of the conversation most humans overlook.

    We may not have the talent to swivel our own ears, but we do have the ability to pay attention.  And when we do, horses reward us with a dialogue richer than anything spoken aloud. 

Invitation to Play

     Play is important to health.  Children know this instinctively.  Foals know it even more instinctively.  As we age, we tend to play less, as if frolicking is something we should have outgrown along with braces and questionable hairstyles.  But the truth is: frolicking remains essential.  Even if our knees disagree.

    When our farm was breeding Quarter Horses and Miniature Horses, we had front-row seats to the daily circus of young equines discovering the world.  Foals raced simply because moving fast was a spiritual calling.  They bounced off each other like furry pin-balls.  They pulled tails with the same gleeful commitment human toddlers reserve for pulling hair.  They chased equine-sized balls with the enthusiasm of golden retrievers who have just discovered the joy of fetch.  And Splash (my beloved Splash) was notorious for romping off with hammers and tools whenever my husband  tried to repair fencing.  Nothing says 'I love you' like stealing your partner's equipment and galloping away with it.  

    Young horses are imps.  Professional grade imps.

    As our herd aged, their enthusiasm for play diminished.  They still occasionally chase each other for the sheer joy of motion, but mostly they behave with the sedate dignity of retired archivists.  Play, apparently, is beneath them - unless they think no one is watching.

    Bay, for example, has a long-standing hobby of scattering grooming tools.  She flips through the grooming caddy like a young child rummaging for a favorite toy.  Except, Bay is actually searching for dropped horse treats.  Still the enthusiasm with which she flings hoof picks and curry combs across the arena suggest she is having fun.  Or redecorating.

    Shilo delighted in dislodging hats.  He grabbed them off human heads and tossed them with the flair of a magician revealing a dove.  His two-legged partner would yell and chase after their headwear, which only encouraged him.  Horses absolutely understand hilarity.  They are connoisseurs of slapstick.

    Rain, in her late teens, would nose at a horse ball when she thought no one was looking.  She was the equine equivalent of a grandmother secretly playing video games at midnight.

    Play is important.  Maybe it becomes more important as we age, especially if we want to avoid becoming the kind of person who complains about teenagers or weather patterns.

    I use play when I teach riding.  Both horses and children get bored plodding around the arena like they are stuck in a never ending parade.  Games evolved out of necessity, and possibly desperation.

    The favorite game involves tennis balls and a basketball hoop meant for very young children.  The tennis balls are placed on slender PVC poles held by orange highway cones.  A few balls may be balanced directly on the cone if a small pony is involved, or if the human rider is flexible enough to bend down without tumbling off the horse.

    The mounted student must retrieve the ball and toss it into the hoop.  Sometimes the toss point is close.  Sometimes it is halfway across the arena.  Sometimes, if the lesson is a double or triple, the students pass balls in the air to each other like a mounted version of dodgeball, except with more shrieking.

    Over the years, I've had to ensure my horses are accustomed to objects flying over their heads.  Occasionally they endure a blip on their head or rump when a human misses a catch.  The equines are remarkably forgiving.  More forgiving than most humans, honestly. 

    Some horses don't just tolerate the game.  They join it!

    Snickers is especially fond of foiling her rider.  If she can approach from the front of the pole, she will knock the ball off before her partner can grab it.  Sometimes she uses her teeth and grabs a cone off the ground, shakes it like a terrier with a sock, and tosses it triumphantly.

    Her behavior always gets a reaction.  Usually laughter.  Horses adore laughter.  It's their version of applause.  Once, when Snickers' rider grumbled about her knocking over the ball, I informed the student, "Don't complain.  You taught her to do that when you laughed."  Snickers is a quick study.  And a menace.

    Now we have Summer.  Calm, stoic Summer.  When she first arrived, I assumed she would be the sensible one; the horse who ignored chaos and maintained her dignity.  I was wrong.

    Early with her introduction to the game, she investigated the cones.  Then she licked them.  Then she learned to knock them over with the precision of a bowling champion.  Any object in the arena is a target.  There is no point in getting annoyed.  She is simply participating.  Enthusiastically.

                                       

 

    We invited the horses to play.  They accepted the invitation.  Complaining about their involvement is like complaining that your dinner guest showed up hungry.

    Play is good for horse and human.  And if we're honest, it's good for anyone who has forgotten how to frolic. 

     

     

     

Wildlife welcome

     I was teaching a lesson to one of my adult students.  It was his second time on a horse, and he was still riding with the earnest concentration of someone trying to remember which end is the front.  Suddenly I called, "Whoa," and my ever-compliant mare stopped as if she had been waiting all day for the chance to show off her brakes.

    "Look," I whispered, pointing.

    My student let out a soft, reverent ahh, the kind usually reserved for fireworks or newborn babies.  Two deer minced, yes minced, down the sidewalk of the newest housing development, tip-hoofing into a neighbor's backyard like they were late for a garden party.

    Our acreage has been under siege since the day we moved in.  At first, only a few houses dotted our dead-end street.  Within a year, another side sprouted homes.  Now, the last two borders of our property are in jeopardy.  We are victims of living in an old logging town that is suddenly fashionable because it sits neatly between two major cities.  Humans love convenience.  Wildlife tolerates it.

    New neighbors mean more riding students, but I will always welcome the wild neighbors who wander through.  Over the years, the cast has been varied and delightful - like a nature-themed vaudeville troupe. 

    Birds of every feather visit.  I am especially fond of the ones who nest in the arena rafters and barn beams.  They are my unpaid, highly effective insect-control staff, chirping cheerfully as they work overtime.

    Most years we have bunnies hopping across the property, performing their daily commute.  I haven't seen any this years.  The developer has already cleared the blackberry hedges that framed our land, and the rabbits have apparently unionized and refused to work without proper bramble coverage.

    Earlier this year, a possum ambled across my lawn at dusk, looking like a small, elderly gentleman out for his constitutional.  In years past possums have lived in the barn, and I welcome them.  They keep the rodent population in check, and they never complain about the rent.

    My son, who had property nearby, reported raccoons on his porch.  They never visited me, possibly because the neighborhood cats have established a strict, "No Masked Bandits" policy. 

    Elk don't stay, but they cross behind our property nearly every fall, sweeping through like a migrating parade.  That land is now slated for over a hundred homes, and I am not sure what will happen to the elk with their corridor blocked.  In years past, when they were set to cross the road, the police would halt traffic, and give the herd right-of-way. It felt like the correct level of respect for creatures who look like they could be extras in a mythological epic.

    About a decade ago, a friend who was custodian of the acreage below us came to warn that a cougar had brought down a deer in the back pasture.  We appreciated the heads-up.  Our horses were safe, but the message was clear: nature still had teeth.

    We had leased that cougar territory for years, especially for our Exmoor Ponies.  The Exmoors themselves could qualify as wildlife, just not North America natives.  They are a breed officially categorized as "wild," and they take the designation seriously.  All four of our ponies lived to old age, a beloved shaggy gang of characters.

    When they lived on that pasture, they blended into the wild setting so well that the deer accepted them as honorary members.  I would walk down to check on the ponies and discover I had acquired extra ones - slender, delicate, suspiciously deer-shaped ponies.  They matched the Exmoors' coloring, and made use of the camouflage.  It fooled me.

                                   An Exmoor Pony watching "deer" friends
 

    I believe the deer that the cougar took down would have survived if the Exmoors had still been in residence.  My ponies were fierce protectors of their space, and none of them would have been easy targets.  But the cougar had to eat, too.  I respect that.  I suspect the big cats still linger near the river, though their territory shrinks by the season.

    Coyotes are plentiful. I often hear them singing at night.  It is an enthusiastic, slightly chaotic choir.  I think they will survive the development boom.  They are crafty scavengers.  Once I spotted what I thought was a grey dog enjoying the spoils of an odoriferous tipped garbage can.  Only after I passed did I realize, "That wasn't a dog.  That was a coyote having a lunch buffet in the center of town."  As long as the White River runs nearby, coyotes will find a place to raise their families.  I admire their flexibility.

    The deer are not so lucky.  They will likely be pushed out, though come autumn, they may return to nibble the windfall apples under our tree.  I remember one lazy afternoon when a doe and her half-grown fawn felt so comfortable they lay down under our kitchen window by the tree where they had gorged on the fruit. We tiptoed around the house so as not to disturb their nap.  I still hope they will return.

    Our town is developing.  More people.  Fewer wild animals.

    But on our property, the wild ones are welcome.  Always. 

     

Horse Time

     I glance down at my watch and say, "Time is about up.  One more round of the arena and then it's time to dismount and give your horse a thank-you brush.

    "But I just got here," comes the plaintive reply.

    I understand.  I really do.  Horse time is different from regular time.  It slips through your fingers  like water, fast, fast, fast - so fast you hardly notice the minutes galloping away.  You arrive at the barn, breath in the familiar scent of hay and warm horse, and suddenly an hour has vanished.  Horse time is elastic, unpredictable, and utterly indifferent to clocks.

    At 80, I understand the relativity of time more than ever.  I am not sure where the years have gone; how they managed to sneak past me while I was mucking stalls, tightening girths, or brushing mud off a patient steed, but I do know this: horses have kept me moving, kept me grounded, kept me healthy in body and spirit.  That is the gift they give, quietly and without ceremony.

    But time has a negative side too, one that races faster than Seattle Slew.  Blink, and it's gone.  The moments of delight - those soft nickers, those warm breaths on my cheek, those perfect circles in the arena - flash past so quickly I sometimes wish I could grab them by the tail and hold them still for just a little longer.

    My days revolve around the barn.  Morning feed and scoop.  Mid-afternoon check-in.  Evening rounds before bed.  Unless I have an appointment, I am blissfully oblivious to he clock  More than once I have returned to the house to find my husband looking mildly concerned.  "What took you so long? I was beginning to think you were hurt of something."  I'm flattered he noticed I was missing, though I'm always amused that his concern never quite motivates him to leave the recliner or turn off the television.  For me, time with the horses is meant to be savored.  It is not a time for watching a clock.

    I sympathize with my students.  Their sessions are usually an hour, and if someone is scheduled after them, I do have to enforce that boundary.  But I tend to be generous with the "hour."  I understand their desire to linger.  Horses invite lingering.  They invite presence.  They invite a kind of attention that modern life rarely encourages.

 

    Riding is only a small part of the partnership.  I have spent hours simply being with my horses.  Grooming is soothing for both horse and human, a shared meditation.  I have taken books out to the pasture and read with a horse standing nearby, occasionally nudging me as if to remind me that literature is fine, but carrots are better.  Combining two pleasures (reading and horse companionship,) creates a kind of timelessness.  Time becomes irrelevant, or perhaps it becomes something gentler, something that flows rather than ticks. 

    I have known adults who come to the barn not to ride, but simply to exist in the presence of horses.  Horses are extraordinary listeners.  They don't check clocks.  They don't rush conversations. They don't interrupt.  They simply stand with you, breathing with you, accepting you. I don't believe they understand time in the human sense - except when it comes to meals.

    Horses may not have clocks, but their stomachs certainly do.  If I am late with feeding, I am met with anxious heads hanging over the fence, ears pricked, eyes wide with equine indignation.  But beyond mealtimes, I am not sure horses regard time at all.  Horse time is something they reflect back to us, our own longing for slowness, for connection, for meaning.

    There is one moment when horse time slows to a crawl: when a horse is sick and I'm waiting for the veterinarian.  Recently, Bay went three-legged lame.  I called the vet's office more than once, then waited for the doctor to arrive.  She was on another appointment, and the delay was reasonable, but time stretched unbearably.  Every minute felt like an hour.  Horse time is seldom what I would prefer.

     Many of my horses have lived into their thirties.  That has never been enough time.  Never.  I cling to them, to their familiar faces and steady hearts.  I'm doing that with Bay right now, holding tight to every moment, knowing how precious each one is.

    I remember working in the library.  As much as I enjoyed that job, there were certainly times when I became a clock-watcher, counting the minutes until I could go home.

    Home to horses.  Home to a different kind of time.  Home to a way of measuring life not in minutes or hours, but in heartbeats, hoofbeats, and the quiet companionship of beings who ask nothing more of us than presence.

    Horse time is unlike any other method of counting the minutes, days, and years.  It is the time that has shaped my life, sustained my spirit, and taught me again and again, that the best moments are the ones we allow ourselves to linger in. 

 

     

     

Teeth: The necessary horror show

    Come on.  Be honest.  Is there anyone, anywhere on this spinning planet, who actually enjoys going to the dentist?  I'm not talking about liking your dentist as a person.  Mine have been perfectly pleasant, some even family friends.  But enjoying the experience of reclining helplessly while someone approaches your open mount with metal tools that look like they were borrowed from a medieval torture museum?  No.  Absolutely not.

    And yet, like a dutiful citizen with a survival instinct, I show up.  I know that maintaining teeth is essential to general health, including heart maintenance.  (Nothing says trouble like plaque and arteries.) 

    Horses feel the same way about dentistry.  They may adore the veterinarian, but the moment the dental kit appears, their eyes widen with the same expression I get when my dentist says, "You might feel a little pinch."  Over the years we have learned that equine teeth are extremely important.  If you cannot chew, eating becomes problematic for horses and humans alike.  But horses do not get to cancel their appointments by claiming they might be coming down with something.

    I try to have my horses inspected every six months.  I'm negligent, but no more than any other horse partner who has ever looked at a calendar and thought, "Surely it hasn't been that long."  It has.  It always has. 

    My personal library is full of horse books: fiction, nonfiction, training manuals and memoirs.  However, equine teeth rarely get more than a polite nod.  Most books are far more interested in teaching you how to guess a horse's age by inspecting their teeth.  I have never mastered the trick.  My vets assure me it's more a general guideline anyway, which is comforting because I have never wanted to pry open a horse's mouth and squint at incisors like a fortune teller reading enamel tea leaves. 

    Google, of course, is more informative.  My books vaguely say horses have "about 40 teeth."  About?  Online I learned that male horses can have 40-44 teeth, while females usually have 36-40.  Apparently genetics plays a role, which means some horses are simply over or underachievers in the dental department. 

    I've always been fascinated by the fact that adult horse teeth continue to grow.  Until I lost a molar, I didn't realize human teeth do this too, just not with the same enthusiasm. (I really do like my present dentist who explained this to me.  I just do not like the procedure.  Or the chair.  Or the suction tube that sounds like it's trying to steal my soul.)

    Back in the old days, before the 1990s, when equine dentistry became a specialty, my concern about horse teeth was minimal.  I can't remember why I decided our old Quarter Horse, Jodee, needed her teeth inspected, but I do remember Dr. S. coming out to float her teeth.  He knew her impeccable manners, and decided to treat her without anesthetic.  Then came the moment that still haunts me.

    He grabbed Jodee's tongue and commenced sawing away in her mouth with the files. 

    She tolerated it with long-suffering patience.  I, on the other hand, nearly needed a sedative.

    Then came Spice and his legendary wolf teeth.  When Dr. B. attempted to remove them he grunted under Spice's jaw and said, "I have never seen wolf teeth so large or firmly entrenched in any horse's mouth."

    This is not what you want to hear from a professional holding pliers inside your pony's mouth.

 

    I ended up using a bit-less bridle most of the time. Spice forgave me ordering the extraction, but only because horses are impish saints.

    By the 1990s, equine dentistry had exploded: articles everywhere, specialists popping up like mushrooms after rain.  One lived near us, but his rates were worse that a cardiologist's.  I called Dr B. instead.  He had attended classes and was now equipped for modern equine dentistry.  Bless that man.

    Now my vets arrive with anesthetics, files, drills, headlamps, mirrors and a mouth speculum that looks suspiciously like the one my dentist uses on me - just scaled up to prehistoric herbivore size.  The horse is positioned on a headrest like a patient in a very tall, very judgmental backward dentist's chair.  There are electric tools .  There are sounds.  There are smells.  The whole thing feels like a cross between a spa day and a horror film. 

    Horse teeth don't always get the respect they deserve.  That is changing.  We all need to see a dentist.  I just wish it was more comfortable, and less reminiscent of a scene where someone says, "You might feel a little pinch," right before the soundtrack turns ominous. 

 

     

Gotcha

    Our diligent gardener had never called me before.  She always texted.  This time, she called, and tried hard to stay calm.  It didn't work.  Her voice had the same pitch as someone discovering a raccoon in their pantry wearing their slippers.  

    She had a horse issue.

    Let us rewind.

    My husband had an appointment with the optometrist, and was under the tragic misconception that he would be blinded by dilation drops and require a chauffeur.  Naturally, I was drafted.  As it turned out, the appointment was a quick in-and-out; no drops, no drama.  So we headed to one of our favorite Asian restaurants to pick up food for later in the day.     

    We had already ordered when the gardener called.  My husband was hunched over his check register, tongue slightly out, balancing numbers with the intensity of a man defusing a bomb.  His checkbook is sacred territory.  I do not touch it.  I do not breathe near it.

    Our faithful employee breathlessly reported that while she was dumping weeds in the pasture corner, one of the horses bumped the gate and made a break for it.  At the moment, the escapee was in our backyard, blissfully mowing the lawn we had allowed to grow into a lush, three-day, post-rain jungle.

    Our gardener knows weeds, but not horses.  It took a game of Twenty Questions to identify the fugitive.  I already guessed Snickers.  Of course.  She is pushy even on her best days, and she has the moral flexibility of a toddler in a candy aisle. 

 

    Meanwhile, the gardener was explaining, in gasps, that she had to pick up her daughter from the bus stop, and she had waited to long to alert the school she would be late, and she had absolutely no idea how to catch a horse.  She sounded like she was reporting a hostage situation.

    My husband, suddenly cured of selective hearing, perked up.  "Loose horse?"  He looked wildly toward the counter where our food should appear.  His checkbook must have been balanced, because he was no longer guarding it like a dragon with a hoard. 

    I assured the gardener she could leave.  One thing I know: a lone horse who has escaped rarely wants to leave her friends, especially when she is standing in a buffet of premium grass.  We were twenty minutes from home, and the restaurant manager had just assured my husband our food was three minutes from being bagged. 

    In record time, hot sacks in hand, we bolted for the door.  The manager called after us, "Hope you catch your horse!" as if we were heading into battle.

    My husband asked if I needed grain.  No.  Horse treats were my weapon of choice.  I told him he would need to stay with the car.  The horses are not fond of him.  He tends to yell, and they do not appreciate his leadership style.

    We parked to create a slight barrier.  

    There was Snickers, head up, acknowledging us with the smugness of someone who has successfully hacked the system.  Then she went right back to grazing.

    I briskly walked to the barn, careful not to run.  Running is a rookie mistake.  Snickers ignored me on the way across, but when I returned with a halter and rope, she raised her head to lock eyes.  I approached casually like a disinterested observer of local fauna.

    She continued to stare at me.  She fixated on the horse cookie in my hand.  The cookie won.

    She strolled over, took the treat, and while she was still chewing, I slipped the rope around her neck.  She didn't care.  She was focused on my treat-stuffed pocket like a furry pickpocket.  I causally slid the halter over her nose.

    Gotcha! 

    She followed me back to the pasture, belly full, ego inflated, and absolutely certain she had outsmarted the gardener to enjoy a private feast.

    I texted the gardener:  all good, horse retrieved, no casualties.

    Being the wise woman she is, she asked for a lesson on catching a loose horse.  The next day, I showed her the treats, the ropes, the halters, and emphasized the golden rule: never run after a horse.  Strolling is the correct speed.  Preferably with a pocket of horse approved snacks.

    But really, I doubt she will need the lesson.

    My husband has installed a strand of electric fencing across the gate opening.  It should discourage a horse.

    Perhaps.

    Maybe.

    But that grass is very, very green.