Raison d'etre

        I recently had an experience where I had to question why I lived.  Even if I wanted to live.  I surprised myself with the immediacy of my answer, but it felt entirely true, as if I suddenly knew myself.  Perhaps it won't come as a surprise to those who know me, but I did startle myself with the passion that the knowledge elicited.

    I live because of my horses.  It's simple, but part of the core of my being.

    I adore my family, and I am constantly curious about what my grandchildren will do next.  They are a source of wonder and delight.

    However, I get out of bed in the morning to be with my horses.  I think I would happily sleep until noon if I didn't have a farm of horses and ponies to greet me with delight because I am up, ready to toss them some hay.

    I grumble, sometimes, when my day is broken into time blocks with lessons for children who want to be with horses.  But really, when I carefully think about those sessions, I realize they make my days important.  I want to pass on what I feel, and teaching is one way to share my passion with others.

    Years ago I wrote a newspaper column, and I included a story about my grandmother coming to visit my horses before she passed away.  She insisted I got my love of horses from her.  True?  I'm not sure.  How do we know what is in another's heart?  However, my grandmother seemed to believe that a part of her legacy was passing on a kinship with horses to me. 

    Now, I am aware that I am working on my own legacy.  I, too, am trying to spread my love of animals to others.  I do it by teaching, sharing, living it, and, yes, writing about the horses.  This blog, too, is legacy.

    I have been incredibly lucky with my life.  I was born into a loving family, in a country (Canada) that embraces freedom and a level of manners that has helped me all my life.  I fell into a lifestyle with horses; that is what my soul needed to make each day worth embracing.  My marriage, too, has supported a life with horses.  I have a husband who tolerates my passion, although it is not his.  He has managed to keep us financially able to maintain the animals. 

    I am repeating myself, but it is important to know I try to share my life with others who need equines in their life.

    Facing my mortality is challenging.  It is scary in many respects.  In years, I have already had more birthdays than both my parents - but not my grandmothers.  They both were productive in their 80s, and even in their early 90s.  Ultimately, pneumonia took them.  I can only hope that the shot I received a few years ago has mitigated part of my own susceptibility to that bug.

    No matter.  I have definitely reached the downside of the slop of life, and the slide is picking up speed.  If I want to accomplish more, I have to be ready to do it now.

    My bucket list is not long.  I have considered getting my PhD.   Should I?  Maybe.  I have things to say.  I want to go to Scotland to see the Aberdeen area where my father's family originated.

    I also intend to do more blogging and podcasting, especially about horses.  I can do this.  In fact, I am already scooping this goal out of the bucket, and making it a part of my life.  With some technical help,  I can get the podcasting going.  My son, especially, has encouraged me to join the YouTube generation.

    Meanwhile, there is one big goal in the bucket.  I need to ride again.  Do I want to return to the horse show world?  That one is not really in the bucket.  I haven't ridden since our beloved Skeeter passed away.  However, I keep telling everyone that Summer is as close to the perfect horse as any in existence.  Her pony companion, Rosie, reminds me of my precious PeeChee.  I rode PeeChee with joy.  I like ponies.  They have a way of moving that suits me.  So, perhaps...Rosie.

    When I was being checked into the hospital, the nurse asked me a series of questions, and one brought me to the edge of tears, not because of how I personally feel, but because I know that others don't share my delight in life.  She asked, "Do you ever hope that when you go to sleep, you won't wake up?"  I was stunned.  I couldn't answer, and the nurse knew at once it was because for me, the desire to never wake up, is not part of who I am.  I have horses waiting for me, depending on me.  Yes, I want/need to wake up.  Every day.  Always.

    And I want to have many more days to enjoy.  I want my interests, my family, and I want to be with my animals, especially my horses.

    I know that makes me fortunate.  I wish everyone had a passion and a reason to want to wake up.

    I do.